happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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