Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
