Will you blow on my dice?
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
