I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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