Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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