I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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