my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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