I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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