really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
