I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
