SEEEEXXX PLEASE
We are two peas in an std pod
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
