so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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