we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
my shit smells like andre
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
