The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
They took my balls.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
They are going to name an STD after you.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
