I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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