I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
