Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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