while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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