I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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