It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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