he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
