Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
