She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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