it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
