Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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