I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
