i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize