Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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