2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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