i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
