your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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