i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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