I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
