I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
