You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
