I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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