birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
