I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
