We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
