I don't usually arrange sex via text message
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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