I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
