At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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