Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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