he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
