I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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