Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
