Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Let's paint friendship bongs
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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