I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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