so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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