After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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