From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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