I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
