I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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