Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
