Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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