I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
