No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
