You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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