nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
