I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
