Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
