DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
