Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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