I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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