I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
